The Art of Waxing . . . Down there

Wondering why I chose a glitter ball as the intro to this story? Read on my friends, read on.

Inquiring minds wanted to know: what the heck is going on with all the different waxing styles that are being offered below the belt? Breezy Mama sent brave soul Jill Kloster to find out . . .

From Jill:

It was April 28th, 2007.  I had been in labor for just over 15 hours, when they discovered that my daughter was face up, and that an emergency C-section was the only way to get her out.  I got to the O.R. and I was immediately given the drugs that make you feel like someone is standing on your chest.  Even though I couldn’t feel anything, I knew I was naked from belly to baby-maker.  In the foggy distance I heard someone yell something about a razor?  I heard a faint buzzing noise as they began to clear a path to make the incision when suddenly I heard what sounded like a bee stuck in a honey pot.  I’m not sure, but I think I may have even seen sparks.  And then the unthinkable; a male nurse screamed across the room: “THE RAZOR BROKE!”

O.K.  in my defense, I got so big during that pregnancy that I could barely tie my shoes let alone “trim the hedges”.  AND if I had known that I was going to have a C-section, I may have made an appointment to get some work done downstairs before giving birth.  Since that slightly embarrassing moment in my life, I have made it my mission to never let this happen to another woman.  Who better suited to do an article on the latest trends in waxing, then yours truly?  I feel it is my responsibility to inform women of my experience even if it means only one less broken razor.

Since you already know more than you need to about my girl problems, I’ll let you in on something else.  I don’t actually wax.  I mean I used to, but this was way before I had my C-section incision scar, and the other large childbirth wound that my thong covers up (that’s a whole other article).  I asked around, and one of the moms at my son’s school told me about this famous place in the San Fernando Valley called Pink Cheeks. I went to their website, and what I discovered there was that I have been out of the waxing circle for far too long.  I mean seriously; what the H**L are we women trying to prove?  When did having a little extra warmth “down there” become a faux pas?  So you break a few razors – no big whup!  Anyway, I made the mistake of going to Pink Cheeks on a Saturday.  It was so busy.  The waiting room was packed, with not just women, but DUDES too.  I tried to not let my mind wander and think of what areas these men were possibly waxing–I just couldn’t go there.  Everyone was so quiet.  It was like a dentist’s office, minus the blood curdling screams.  I couldn’t help but notice that the aestheticians were wearing scrubs.  Did this mean there was blood involved?   Were they also registered nurses?  I was confused.  I was sitting patiently, waiting for my turn, listening to Stairway to Heaven when something very scary looking caught my eye (more liked burned my eyes).  It was a sign.  A sign that read: ANAL BLEACHING – and (gulp) it was accompanied by a before and after picture.  I started feeling dizzy.  I was starting to rethink my assignment, when they called my name.  I was finally about to get some answers.

I was lucky enough to get an appointment with the owner, Cindy.  She’s had the world by the short and curlies for 29 years and has waxed everyone from high profile celebrities, to a woman who lives in her van at Venice Beach.  I immediately got down to the nitty gritty and asked her about the bunghole bleaching.   I wanted to know a): who looks at their trap door enough to know what color it is; and b): who are these people getting this process done?  Cindy basically told me that the Brazilian waxing exposes the “area”, and some women do not like the dark pigment of the “area”.  Okay, I don’t particularly like the dark pigment of my brown eyes, but you don’t see me throwing a jug of bleach on them now do you?  Cindy also said that some women consider it a stain, and that they feel cleaner after they do the process.  The bleaching treatment they do at Pink Cheeks, is specifically formulated for their salon.  Cindy worked with a chemist and together they came up with the product which is a Kojic acid base with a catalyst.  Even though Cindy assured me that there a lot of moms out there who are getting their undercarriages lightened, however, this is one lady who shall remain on the dark side.

With all the talk about butts, I completely forgot that I was about to be tortured all in the name of beauty.  I had decided that I would commit to a bikini wax (by the way, nobody calls it that anymore).  Next, all I had to was pick a style.  The Pink Cheeks salon has several different styles/shapes to choose from.  The majority of these are very similar to what most salons are also currently offering.

Pink Cheeks Menu:
FULL BIKINI: The full removal of all bikini hair. “In the butt” waxed also.  – No thank you
PLAYBOY: Your panty line sides waxed into a “V” or straight line. Labia is waxed. “In the butt” waxed.   -Did she say Labia?

PSUEDO: Panty line waxed. Labia is not waxed. “In the butt” waxed.  – This is a win/lose situation
BRAZILIAN: A thin line of hair left on top with the same thin strip of hair remaining down the lips. Like a long straight line up and under. “In the butt” waxed.    – If it says butt, I’m out


REGULAR: Just a wonderful old fashioned and wholesome panty line wax. This can add a nice illusion of length to your legs.   – Great, now I’m old.

THUMBPRINT: One “thumbprint” left on top. Look at the bottom of your thumb and there you go. This became popular when the low pants came in style. “In the butt” waxed.  – I don’t get it, and it sounds complicated.


I told Cindy that I just wanted a regular early 90’s wax.  The kind where you leave on your underwear, and they just rip out the stragglers that didn’t make it into the panties.  She laughed and told me to strip from the waist down.  She left the room (I guess to allow me to reflect on the little dignity I had left–the dignity that was about to literally be “stripped” away).  When she returned, I had to tell her how scared I was, mostly of the pain.  Cindy informed me that the reason that I have had bad experiences in the past, had to do with the products used.  On the Pink Cheeks site they say, “At Pink Cheeks, we use a refined spun honey bees wax for the direct application and we remove the hair with 100% Egyptian cotton muslin. The tighter weave of this muslin provides a more thorough removal of hair. The wax is heated to a consistent comfortable temperature, applied with a tongue depressor, muslin applied (4×8 inch strip), then removed off very fast and directly parallel with the skin.  Other salons use a cheaper wax made out of tree resins and this type of wax has a tendency to “break” the hair and not remove it by the root.”  Cindy told me that if you don’t remove the entire hair, root included, you are most likely to get ingrown hairs.  Glamorous.  Her knowledge and her years of experience, made me decide to trust her, and put my  you-know-what in her hands.  Never have I worked out my abs harder.  I was basically bearing down, preparing for the worst when . . . nothing.  She ripped an entire strip off and I swear to God, I felt nothing.  We were talking, laughing, gossiping, and every now and then I would see the muslin fly by.  The only part that was uncomfortable was when she plucked the few that refused to go, right around my c-section scar.  About 2 minutes later, I was done, but Cindy wasn’t.  She told me to get on my hands and knees so that she could “clean up” my rear.  I literally broke out in hysterics.  I was laughing nervously when I realized she was serious.  After about a minute of negotiations, she called me a wuss, and I got my way.  I looked in the mirror to see the finished product, and I have to say: I liked it.  I had what they call in the waxing/stripper business a “landing strip”.  Cindy pointed out that the linear strip gives the illusion of smaller hips and that’s why a lot of women like it.  I was ready to get dressed, when she told me that there was one final touch.  Armed with a can of silver glitter, she sprayed my newly manicured mommy lawn and I instantly had what some people might call a “festive bush”.  Who says Christmas is only in December?

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with my millennium waxing experience.  I attribute it not only to Cindy’s professionalism and experience, but also to some words of wisdom that she gave me.  Cindy told me that sexy is not just about what everybody sees, but also what they don’t see.  She advocates reminding yourself that just because you have kids, and your time is limited, you can still be a hot mama and no one has to know.  That is, unless you write about it on a fantastic website called Breezy Mama.

Want to try the Pink Cheeks salon for yourself? They’re located at 14562 Ventura Blvd, Sherman Oaks, CA 91403. Ph: 818-906-8225

About Jill Kloster:
Jill begun her career as a hair and makeup artist in 1999. During her tenure, she’s worked on a variety of projects–from the Latin Grammys to commercials to the hit reality television show The Bachelor. Jill also has been a makeup artist to actors such as: Judy Greer (13 again, 27 dresses, The Wedding Planner), Josh Malina (The West Wing), and socialite Kimberly Stewart. These days, when she’s not in the shower road testing shampoos, she can be found at home in the LA Valley with her husband Owen and two kids, Ethan and Eiley.

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Comments

  1. this article had me ROFL!!! I am with ya Jill!!!! Some of this stuff I feel should be left for the pornstars!! (Or those that want to be one for their hubbys) The thought of someone ripping hair from my labia or “in the butt” gave me shivers… The last time I had anything waxed was my eyebrows and that left horrid bumps that lasted more than a month… I cannot imagine having that happen “down under”! I will just stick with my MachIII and do it more frequently… as for bleaching, WTH????? that’s all I got.
    Thanks for such and “enlightening” post that had me rolling the whole post thru!
    Brenda

  2. OMG!!! That was completely HYSTERICAL! If it wasn’t SO early (everyone else is asleep) I would be LOL!!!!! Great (and funny) article just in time for swimsuit season! I’m very curious to know how much the “bikini wax” cost you….

    Thanks for the chuckle this morning. 🙂

  3. TEARS are running down my face! I don’t think I will ever stop laughing. I LOVE IT! I’m so in for the 90’s wax and tree decorating ceremony. I have to go back and read this again now…

  4. Oh my gosh…I am SOOOOOO glad my assignment for Breezymama was to visit the Arcona Salon for a facial! That article SCARED ME!!!! But was downright HILARIOUS! Glitter on the landing strip? My husband would DIE in histerics if I did that!

  5. By the way, Pink Cheeks is where the girls from “The Girls Next Door”(aka Playboy Bunnies) go to get waxed. They featured it on an episode!

  6. Love it!

  7. Funniest thing I have read in some time. Can’t imagine a glitter landing strip, I nearly died when I read that! That would be one of the funnier moments ever if I stripped down and my hubby saw THAT! Jill, thanks for this one!

  8. So funny! How brave of you to write about this. Hilarious.

  9. Being that I know you personally…I am not sure I can look at you with a straight face now. You crack me up. Excellent descriptions by the way! See U at school! 🙂

  10. wow…thanks for all the insight. i talk about it, but have never done it and really don’t think i want to…isn’t it hard to get all the glitter out of there? 😉

  11. This is hilarious! The choices we have to make. I am 6 months pregnant and Irena – my Russian waxer – recently asked me “What is your Plan” for the birth? Plan? My plan is to push out a baby through my vagina. But she meant what are you going to do to prepare “down there”? She suggested we get a head start on the labia clean up at our next visit. Better to start early because it becomes too sensitive when you get close to the due date. Seriously! Even though I am planning on a drug-free delivery the idea of a Brazilian a few weeks before birth is just too much pain for me to contemplate. Maybe if I just spray it all with glitter the docs will get distracted and not notice my hairy labia!

  12. OMG! What a hilarious assignment and post. I suppose after having two children, and having had doctors and nurses all up in that area, that getting waxed wouldn’t be such a big deal, but I still think reading about it is about as far as I’d go. 🙂

  13. LOL!!! I always remember you being funny, but that was hilarious!

  14. Erica Thralls says

    Jill, you are awesome and such a crack up! thank you for making me smile today 🙂

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  1. […] Mama once did a VERY popular post on “Waxing Down There” almost a year ago. For laser removal, is there a particular style that’s current in the ‘ol […]

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