Teaching Your Kids about Strangers

Your child is abducted–I think this may rank as one of the highest fears that we, as parents, may face. Movies are made about it, stories are heard, and kids are shown on the back of milk cartons. It’s a very scary, very real thing. Teaching your children to be aware of strangers was something that I recently had been wondering how to do. Then, I got an email from Breezy Mama Alysha telling me that she was with a group of moms who were discussing a story that was put on Craig’s List–a man was cruising neighborhoods, in his van, trying to get kids to come in. It freaked her out because she hadn’t really done anything to educate her kids–just as I hadn’t done much either. That’s when I knew we needed some advice. Breezy Mama contacted Stacey Honowitz (who also was our expert in the sexual abuse story) for help. . . –Alex

Let’s start with the basics–at what age do we start teaching children to be aware of strangers? And how do we tell them?
People are always curious to know when to start talking to their children about certain things, in this case, about strangers. You as a parent know your own child’s development, and so if you feel like your child will understand “the stranger talk” then by all means start now. I believe, being in my line of work, that it is never too early to discuss anything that could potentially bring harm to your kids! Moms and dads can both begin the discussion, by telling the child that anyone which you haven’t met before, who hasn’t been introduced through mom or dad other than your teachers, should be considered to be a stranger. The true meaning is “someone that you are not familiar with” but in kid’s terms it is hard to explain it that way. Children should know that if they don’t recognize the person than they are a “stranger” to them, and if that person tells them, “hey, you know who I am” means nothing if they know that they have never seen this person before. . .

One Breezy Mama reader asked, “I am interested in what we can do as parents to teach our kids about safety.  I know a lot of it is obvious–its just so hard trying to find the time to fit in this with learning ABCs and all the other stuff we cram in to a day.” What advice can you give for this?
Safety discussions should be had all through the day, there is some kind of lesson in everything that you do. For instance, if you are driving in the car with your child, and you see a child alone on the street, you should say to your child, “I never want you to walk alone, someone might stop their car, who is a STRANGER and ask if you want a ride.” Busy? Yes, we moms are busy, but here is the deal, even when on our last legs, we need to DISCUSS! If you can’t squeeze in the time, go get some videos. No, you are not a bad mom for putting them in front of the TV for this. There are some great videos available that deal specifically with stranger/danger. (Click here to see Amazon’s selection.) I would list them all but there are too many, except that John Walsh from “America’s Most Wanted” has one called Stranger Safety. (To purchase from Amazon for $9.49, click here.) Google  “Stranger Safety Videos.” It is all there for you–don’t be afraid to enlist outside help!

It seems as if, in a parent’s mind, we are worried about “strangers” snatching our kids, but yet we make our children say hello to someone who says hi, say, in the grocery store. This must be confusing to children, how do we deal with this?
This is a great question, because just the other day, I was in the store and heard my mother say to my daughter “now throw him a kiss.” Well I blew a gasket! Why? Because we don’t want them in the habit of doing that with strangers. We do send mix messages. I think there was a time when we did not have to be so nervous about snatching, but now we do. You can encourage your kids to say hi to people that they know. If your kid doesn’t say hi back to the person in the grocery store, then I guess your child will be deemed the grocery “snob.” Do you really care? Your kids will realize as they get older who they can talk to but for now, I think you need to discuss why they should not be so friendly. You need to tell them that some people think that if you say hi to them it means you want to be with them. Tell your kids that not everyone is friendly for the “right reasons.” I believe you have to be honest, if someone says hi to your child, and your child gives a quick wave, well so be it. You do not have to encourage them at this stage to have “nice manners” and “say hello to the nice man”, because bottom line, he may not be that nice. Cut it off at the pass, you say hello for your child.

This goes a bit with the question above. . . how should we make our kids feel safe without them fearing every stranger?
Like everything else, you have to let them know that “not everyone is bad” but there are some people who like to take advantage of kids because of just that, they are kids. Kids should know that there are bad people and good people, but with strangers, since “we don’t know them” we are unable to tell if they are bad or good, so that they always have to be cautious.

What do we tell our kids to do if a stranger approaches them? For example, to not take candy from a stranger or to not help him find his dog (which is how a child Chelsea and I went to elementary school with was kidnapped, and then later found)?
Again, I know it might sound harsh, but you must WARN your kids, that sometimes strangers will try to do anything to get a kid to come to them. If by chance someone who is a stranger asks them for help (finding a puppy) you must tell your child that because we don’t know if that person is telling the truth, they must run away or say “I cannot help you, I don’t know you.” Who cares at this point if your kid has bad manners? It is bad manners versus a missing child–you will take bad manners any day of the week. These are discussions that you need to get into; that if a stranger asks them for anything, they are to say “no” and find the nearest familiar person or scream out “I don’t know you!” so that others may hear. And remember, the child should never be alone in the first place!

One thing I’ve always done is dress my children in bright, easy to spot colors when in heavily populated places, such as Disneyland. Any other tips you have?
Here is the biggest DON’T–do not boldly put your child’s name on anything. It was so popular at one time to put your kids name on the back of a shirt, or on a book bag. That is candy for an abductor. Why? The stranger can call out the name, which immediately gives rise to the child thinking “hey this person knows me.” It is a sure way to take the unfamiliarity of the stranger. Please, if you need to write a name, (so, for example, your child does not lose their book bag) write it on a small label–one that only your child and the teacher can see. Do not advertise any personal information that a stranger might use to his advantage.

Please make sure that your kids always surround themselves with others. There used to be a time when parents could rest comfortably with with their kids playing out front, or leaving them in the electronics part of a store while they went on and shopped. Those days are long gone. You need to tell your child that he should always have a buddy or buddies. They tell us that we should always swim with a buddy, well now it should pertain to all walks of life. There was a case where a child was abducted once he got off of the school bus. He was walking with his friend, and although he was abducted, thanks to the information that the friend was able to give about the car, the color, etc., the abductor was found. The buddy system is a must in today’s society. In large crowds, put your child in something unique, not as far a a costume, but something that could red flag them quickly!

If (heaven forbid) our child was abducted, what should we do?
Certainly if your child is missing, do not delay in trying to find them yourself, but you must also immediately call 911 to get people out on the streets, so that perimeters can be set up for getting this individual. Any and all help from the surrounding community is a must, and now with Amber Alerts we are able to notify those on the highways at a quick rate.

Community support is key, because there is always someone who has certain resources at their fingertips that you or maybe even law enforcement, would not have access to.

Anything I’ve missed that you’d like to add?
Awareness is key, and steering away from a difficult subject matter is the easy way out, but you will find that if you incorporate a learning lesson in your everyday life, it will not be so hard. Kids will listen, especially if you start out early. It is like everything else, they tell you (who ever “they” are) that throwing your kid into the water as an infant will teach them to swim, if you put them around dogs as babies they won’t be scared, etc. So why not teach them lessons that could protect them early on? It is usually the parent that is more fearful than the child. Sometimes kids need to have some fear in them to learn about the real world (these are just my thoughts, as cases like this are brought into my office).

I have faith that all of you teach safety sometime during your day or night, and do not even realize it! Again do not be afraid to use outside sources, videos are there for the taking, just Google “stranger safety”, you will see  there is a plethora of things for you to choose from.

Make sure that your kids do know: your phone number, address, mom’s work, dad’s work, a close relative or friend, and especially, 911. These numbers could be life saving.

Also, some parents have “passwords” with their kids, and with close family members and friends. This word is used because someone might say, “hey your mom asked me to pick you up”. The child should then ask what is “the password” and if the person doesn’t know, or says something different, they know the person is a phony and they should not go with them. Just another thought as to how to remain safe.

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About Stacey
Stacey Honowitz is a twenty-two year veteran of the State Attorney’s Office, seventeen years dedicated to the Sex Crimes and Child Abuse Unit where she is currently serving as a supervisor. She is also a frequent legal commentator who has provided legal analysis for Larry King Live, CNN Headline News, Good Morning America, Dateline NBC, CBS News 48 Hours, MSNBC, CNBC, as well as Fox News and Court Television. She has prosecuted several high profile cases in south Florida and is also a guest lecturer who speaks about child sex abuse, the sensitive nature of these cases, the navigation of the criminal justice system and the importance of frank and open communication with children about this important and difficult subject matter. She has provided important information for several years to both parents and children on the issues of child molestation and continues to send the message that the importance of reporting the abuse is the first step in healing. To contact Stacey, email: staceybhonowitz@hotmail.com

To purchase her book, My Privates are Private, click here.